I have reached another day in my quit. Day 1000. Yes, I’m proud. I’m excited. I’m free. But I’m not finished. Not by a long shot.
To drive this point home, let me give you a few examples of what I mean. I have had more dip dreams in the past 2 weeks than I have had in the past year. There isn’t a day that goes by that I do not think about dip. I have yet to still ice climb because a) I lost my climbing partner and b) I’m afraid I’ll dip again (a=30% b=70% of my reasoning). Long car rides kill me. After a long workout on either the bike or after a run I still crave it. I hate work this year and want one. Family life can be very stressful and I want one. And sometimes, even after I’ve even posted about this very topic and for YOU to be aware, I’ve negotiated having just one because “its not a big deal, its only one” and still coming here the next day and posting as usual. All of the aforementioned examples fucking piss me off. Really piss me off. It shows weakness, a chink in the armor of what is supposed to be my quit. My diligence.
So why such negativity on such a milestone? Because for me, I need a “cup check” every once in a while. I need to tell myself that this struggle will NEVER be over. I need to remind myself that I am an addict. This kind of “punishment” works for me in staying quit today. It is how I cope. Did I believe by 1000 days of being quit that this would be a breeze? Yes, I truly did. As I came closer to this number, I matured, wised up so to speak. Please, if you’re a new reader or quitter, DO NOT be discouraged. Its not the same kind of struggle as it was in the beginning. Saying “no,” dismissing urges, not dipping is so much easier now. I WOULD NEVER WANT GO BACK. NO MATTER WHAT. MY LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER NOW THAN DURING MY ABUSE. I just hate the fact that I even started it. That I allowed something like dip to control my life. Each day I come to better terms with the fact that I will never be rid of this addiction and the mental struggles I go through because of it. This will always be a part of me… that it will always be a struggle. But it will always be worth the struggle. It will always be worth the fight. And giving in, is giving up, not just on my quit or you guys, but on MY LIFE. I welcome the struggle, the challenge.
So the comma is awesome, but its not the end. I’m not done. Dip is not done with me. I have to want this freedom every day. I need this freedom every day. I need this frustration, the reminder of why I have to keep my promise. Its a 1000 days, tomorrow is just one more. That’s all I want, just one more day of freedom. FU dip.
dforbes 1000 days quit.
PS: More need to blog, its good therapy for your quit!
PPS: And get your fucking asses back in chat!!