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The Wife…or Spousal Issue

I’ve been meaning to post this for some time now as I’ve put some kind of thought into my quit and what effect it has had around me. While I sit and pat myself on the back about how happy I am with myself and my quit, sometimes it feels as though the world is crashing down around me and that things just suck.  Well, why? How can this be?  I’m quit goddamnit and things should be going my way.

Mainly it happens in my marriage. I thought this situation was just unique to me me until I was texting with another quitter.  We were both bitching about our wives. So of course I dug a little deeper into my situation to see if something was up.

Turns out, when you quit, you free up A LOT of time. Think about all the ninja moves you made to take a pinch. Things you did to avoid others, especially the “nagging” wife. Think about all the fights you started just to get her out of the room or house. Now you are around this person a lot more. Neither she nor you are used to this, at all. Now there has to be an adjustment period for this new situation; your new social life with your wife. Not only are you dealing with physical and mental adjustment, you have deal with social situations that you are not used to.  Everyone else around you must get an adjustment period too.  They were used to you interacting with them when you were a dipper.  Today is a different case now isn’t it?  You need to realize that the most impacted will be your family members and closest friends.

Sad to say, but I used some of my friends as excuses to get out of the house and pinch a chew. Now, I don’t see them as often and they question why. Sure they don’t give you much shit, but hell, they’re your friends and your boys get over things quickly.  But still, you should be spending time with them. The wife, well she gets all the time. I’m almost positive that now she is asking herself “who this person is and why do they want to be around me all of the sudden?”  I am speaking for my situation of course, but I’m sure I’m not the only one here who has experienced this.  Now, since we are starting to destroy our first love, the nic bitch, we are going back to our TRUE  love, our wives and friends. The wives simply just don’t get it.  Can you blame them?   Just like it will take years for your body and mind to get used to not having nicotine, your wife will have to get used to having you.  And the whiny, needy you to boot.  All of the sudden you love your wife again and expect her to dote on you as if newlyweds.  Well mister, not anymore.  And since I’m still green in my quit, maybe we’ve lost it forever.  I hope not.  But it may have been a price I’ve paid for this fucking addiction.

Do not give up hope.  Explain to her what the situation is.  Try not to be so needy.  Yes, you can be needy at times, we all have the right to do that, but right now most of us are like dogs looking for rewards for our new good behavior.  You aren’t going to get that bone just yet.  Back off some, and give them space.  Remember, you’ve been a dick to her for years on and off.  The new you is going to need time for HER to adjust to.

Also, I have realized in the past few months that from my addiction I have learned anger.   I have learned to use it when I need a pinch, to get out of the house, and to get others away from me.  This is now another behavior that I must learn to change along with quitting.  Don’t be “tough” in this situation.  Seek help.  Counseling really does work.  For you, and your spouse.  Go with her, go by yourself.  Here is an hour to say whatever it is you need to say and you won’t be judged.  Build a relationship with a good counselor, and they will tell you like it is but in a more diplomatic way than say someone like myself in chat or on the forums.  If your situation is not improving with YOU (remember, you can only control you), talk to the counselor about medication.  THIS IS A LAST RESORT.  No, I’m saying we should all be seeking drugs, but if you are ruining a relationship that was built on a solid foundation, or you are verbally abusing your kids, anything that is truly negative, there are meds that can calm you and your learned anger.  Just be careful, DO NOT allow your therapist or doctor prescribe anything with a narcotic in it.  You ARE and ADDICT!!!!  Again, I’m NOT a doctor, and I’m NOT promoting drugs, but maybe its something to discuss.  We’re talking about our lives.

Take a breathe, take two.  You will get through this.  But understand, everyone around you needs to get used to the new you.  This too requires a behavioral change on their part.  YOU of all people should be able to empathize with this notion and how difficult it is.  It hasn’t been easy for you to do, it won’t be easy for them either.

dforbes, day 323



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